I didn't have time
to look at the moon that morning.
But I heard that she had never shone so bright.
A crescent call, come hither to her Venus
just before the dying of her light.
Now the sun declines
to pick apart this darkness
that layers like laments
on a lover's tongue.
Tired
and still as a tideless ocean,
endless as the song
I wish I'd sung
pretending to be Venus.
A disaster of a poem for a special Wednesday edition of Fireblossom Friday at Real Toads.
Note: The disaster I'm trying to depict here is the dying of the moon and sun. I had this up for a bit yesterday, but I was really unhappy with it, so I took it down. I reworked the first stanza; hopefully the whole thing is a little better. Anyway, it's either this or a death of a pretty flower haiku.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
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About Me
- Maude Lynn
- Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days. ---Flannery O'Connor
17 comments:
wow really nice...esp the second stanza for me...the layering of images leading up the very emotional wish of your own that you were singing...the denial of her and venus, some nice symbolism in that.
Lovely alliteration and imagery in this one, MZ. Nothing's more layered than laments on a lover's tongue.
Enjoyed this, MZ.
I am always a fan of alliteration! Beautiful imagery. I agree the second stanza is just amazing. "Tideless ocean" really hits home.
endless as the song
I wish I'd sung
I really like that!
Sounds great MZ! Yearnings of a dear one may be sadly true!
Hank
I read no disaster here. I liked it.
A great one as always, MZ! You never fail to amaze me! Have a lovely evening!
What a emotional post!
I enjoy it.
"still as a tideless ocean" — wow. Only you, MZ, only you... fabulous!
K
Okay, quit messing with my tired head! I knew, before i read the footnote, that you had changed the fourth and fifth lines.
A flame burns brightest right before it goes out, so they say. Me, I think I would miss the moon the most.
I really enjoyed the structure of this. The event may be a disaster, but your writing is beautiful.
the death of the Sun would certainly be a massive disaster, but you make it sound romantic
I think you have taken a novel idea and written something extraordinary. It would certainly be calamitous if the sun and moon ceased to be.
The poem is not a disaster at all. It's quite lovely.
i'm just gonna go curl up in a ball in the corner and suck my thumb.... if i could write even one-tenth as well as you, MZ, i would be in heaven! this is stunning, and the second stanza is perfection!
♥
Ingeniously creative and beautiful ... not a disaster at all. (Ah, you artist's... :)
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